Kalyn Nicholson made me feel validated to make this and put it out into the world.
Last night, sitting with pillows and blankets, while eating pizza.
Lately, I’ve been in a rut.
I feel so overwhelmed by everything going on in my life.
I have 4 classes I’m taking, which honestly isn’t that much but they’re difficult (a lot of math). I have no motivation to study, do my homework, or focus as well as I usually do. I got straight A’s last semester and that thought and hope to maintain that is weighing over me. I’m doing fine in my classes, but they’re not straight A’s like last time. I’m constantly worried but yet I still don’t have the energy to do anything about it. I’ll study and do my homework but it’s not with that same focus and drive I had before.
I applied for a lot of jobs at clothing stores nearby. It’s been a month and I never heard anything back. Admitting to this “failure” is hard for me because nobody likes the feeling of rejection. This really puts a hold on future trips I wanted to go on because I just don’t have the money now.
I do these weekly blog posts which I love! This Wednesday I didn’t have any material I was really feeling, so I didn’t post (which feels like a mini failure). I’m not going to come on here and post something half-hearted just to get a post up. If I have to wait another day (like this) or even another week, I’ll do so.
Whenever I am in Santa Barbara I do genuinely feel trapped in a sense. I feel like there is nothing for me here, so I feel stagnant. I feel like I can’t grow and be my true authentic self when I’m here. I love to journal, paint, write, make music, etc, but I never have any inspiration flowing through me when I’m here. This is another reason why I go home a lot- it’s like a breath of fresh air; I can finally breathe.
These aren’t even the entirety of everything going on in my life.
I don’t want to come on here and be all negative but this is just how I’ve been feeling lately.
Maybe you have been feeling overwhelmed too. Maybe you’re having a harder time than usual. It’s all okay because we’re in this together.
I feel like I just need a day to really GYST (Get Your Shit Together). A day where I catch up on homework, study for that upcoming exam, clean my space, go for a run, take care of my skin, do my nails, etc. Really get things done in one day and then plan out the rest of my week/month. I just need better time management. I need to properly use my planner.
I also know I’m too hard on myself. My therapist really enlightened me on this fact. She asked me if I celebrated when I got straight A’s and I told her no. I just said “good job” to myself and kept going. I never really took that moment to soak in the accomplishment and celebrate myself. I tend to just brush things off and keep going. I know I need to congratulate myself more on the little victories.
If you’re the same way, take note of this and make a change. Next time you finish your homework, dress yourself for the day, write a poem, or whatever it is- take a moment to congratulate yourself because you deserve it. There is no small feat.