The Hardest

 

There’s something pretty traumatic that I’ve gone through that I touched on in my My Story blog post.

Towards the end of the post I addressed the situation with the boy who I thought would rape me.

After this had happened, I’ve found myself too afraid to go out at night. I’ve found myself getting tense and anxious whenever I see a group of guys. I can’t open up to any guy I’m attracted to because I’m afraid of this happening all over again.

Right after it had happened, I blocked every single guy off of my snapchat- unless they were already a close friend.

I stopped going out with my friends.

I was so afraid that I let it affect my everyday life.

I have a crush on this guy, and if I was in my right mind, I would make the first move. Since this happened, I can’t do it. I’m afraid he’ll be just like the boy from that night.

I finally realized that I had never spoken of this situation out loud. I had texted it to my sister a few days after it had happened, and she’s the only one who knew.

Once I realized this, I went to my friend and told her what had happened. Finally, I cried. I haven’t cried in so long and I never actually cried over that specific event.

It’s like a weight was lifted, finally speaking those words out loud.

After talking about it, I still am aware of boys, but I’m not so afraid anymore.

After that, I decided to go out at night again. I was with my friend who I had spoken to, I was completely aware of my surroundings, I had my safety mechanisms, and anytime I felt anxious- I would look up at the moon and see how bright she shines. She’s shining down on me, protecting me.

The following night, I went out again.

I’ve realized that I have a choice. I don’t have to talk to any guy. I don’t have to dance with any guy. I don’t have to go home with them, or do anything. It’s all in my hands.

With all of my being I will never let this happen again. Even if I have my guard up and don’t let many people in, I need to be safe right now.

I needed to understand that although one guy did this, that doesn’t mean every boy I come across will do the same. I need to not generalize, and just take things case by case. It’ll take time for me to get back to a place where I’m completely fine, but I’m taking steps there.

 

I wanted to make this post to elaborate on what I’ve been experiencing lately. I want to shine light on this and make others understand that these things can actually happen- and to be cautious.

I want you to know that you’re not alone and that time really does heal. Everyone has their demons, but we must work and put in the effort to get back to a place of peace and contentment. If you’re struggling, talk to someone.

I was afraid of saying the words out loud because I tried so hard to block it out- If I said the words out loud, that meant it actually happened. Immediately after it had happened, I just wanted to pretend like that night never existed. I tried to move on too quickly without going through the process of grieving.

The process must happen. You must cry, you must accept it as something that had happened- before being able to move forward.

Even as a psychology student I know this as a fact, but tried so hard to just ignore the logic and turn away from it.

Months pass and you realize that this thing is still haunting you. Take those steps. Move forward. Don’t let these things consume you.

This also ties in with being self-aware– taking the time alone to look at yourself. Really understand yourself and your reactions to people and situations. This takes time and practice, so be patient with yourself.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s